April

Hello there ladies and gents,
I know I said I would write more but I am failing miserably at it, and for that I apologize. Since my last post I have got a new job and I love it more than I can express. I work with amazing people who have so much patience with me, and love what they do!

Before getting to the whole point of this post, I would like to thank all of the wonderful people in my life who call, text and FaceTime me or my dad to remind us that they love us. The old saying goes “Its the little things in life that mean the most” and as cliche as it is I agree with it 200%. The simple calls or texts mean more to me than I can explain, I just want everyone to know you can change a persons day with a call or text or even a sweet email.

April. I hate April. I actually hate April 19th. I think it is the worst day. I have no shame in admitting that I hate the day God took my mom. I do have guilt that I feel so selfish about it all. I know she was in a massive amount of pain and really wasn’t living but I have a hard time seeing the world without her. It really isn’t a world I want to be in. I have never seen someone love with such passion, and to want the best for every person they meet. I am not saying my mom was without faults, I am saying she was human, she made mistakes, but she did so with such class and grace. I miss her everyday, I smile I go along with my day, I laugh, but I miss her so much it hurts to inhale. Some find it odd that Kayla (the best friend anyone could ask for) and I go out and see our girls (Savana Bowers who was only 18 passed away from cancer, I did not know her personally but I see the impact on the lives she changed and I say with confidence she was a force to be reckoned with) Savana is buried in the same row as my mom, I do not think this is some weird coincidence. When Kayla and I go see the girls it isn’t a sad experience it gives me some kind of feeling I cannot explain, we talk to them about the week, fix the flowers, rinse of the headstones, etc. I know that Savana and my mom are not at the cemetery, I know they are walking on the streets of gold but having somewhere to go remember them is meaningful and having someone who won’t judge you at 10pm for wanting go there and not say a word is priceless.

Thank you Kayla Mazna for seeing me for who I am, at my worst, crying on the bathroom floor because I missed my mom, laughing so hard I snort, and for telling me my mom would be proud of me with so much meaning. Your friendship means more to me then I can put into words. I am proud to be your friend, you care so much about everyone, you give people chances upon chances, you make others laugh when tears are streaming down their face. Thank you for being the person you are and no one else.

Well this ends my ADD style post! As always, be thankful for the life you live, for you have woken up today and you have a purpose

Honesty is the best answer?

I am going to be honest with all of you who read this, I have been holding my tongue on some questions people have asked me (shocking I know). I think this post is going to be honestly answering some of the questions I get asked on a daily basis, from work to my mom.

Work Related:

Question: Oh working with kids with disabilities must be so exhausting having to listen to them chatter on and on about nothing and them not listening to you
Answer: Please find me a kid with special needs or with out that talk about politics and global warming on a regular basis who also listen to every word you say.

Questions: When you work with the kids who don’t talk (nonverbal) do you even bother talking to them? I mean whats the point they won’t talk back to you.
Answer: Why am I still listening to you talk? Yes, of course I talk to them, I talk to everyone! In all honesty, yes I always talk to my nonverbal clients, I talk about everything I am doing, what I want them to do next, the weather, anything that is somewhat useful! These kids may not have the ability to speak back to me but they sure as heck know what I’m saying to them!

Question: You must really appreciate the time you are around normal kids, huh?
Answer: Clearly. The kids I get to be around are some of the best kids I have ever met; if you talk about them like they are in any way less intelligent I will slap you into next week you uncultured swine.

I would like to take a quick minute to say how much I truly love my job and the kids I get to work with, they inspire me to be the best person I can be.

Ah, now to answer some questions I have received in regards to my mom.

Question: Do you miss your mom?
Answer: Please stop talking. Of course I miss my mother! She was the best mother and woman I have ever met, she was kind and caring but could put you in your place before you knew what was happening. I miss her everyday. I miss calling her with funny story, to hear her say hello, to tell her I love her, and to let her know she is amazing.

Question: Are you okay? Is it hard?
Answer: NO and YES VERY now please stop asking.

Question: I can’t believe you are working and you finished school all without her, how do you do it?
Answer: Well, for a short time I tried to stop life and make the world stop turning like mine did, but it did not work in my favor. At some point it dawned on me that although my world stopped turning the days still kept passing.

I would like to leave you all with a tiny peace of friendly advice, if someone you know has lost a loved one recently tell them you are thinking of them and would love to do coffee or lunch sometime. Having something planned to look forward to is such a welcomed event, and when you are at lunch let them lead the conversation meaning if they bring up the loved one great but if not let the topic go.

Thanks for reading everyone!

ADD Post

Well I said I would write a blog post every month and with one day to spare I have made it! Also, this will be very short and ADD infused since I only have a few minutes!

I would like to thank everyone for the amazing out-pour (there was lots of conversation how to spell outpour) of love over the holidays! We had an amazing time in Idaho with our family, we even woke up to snow on Christmas which was one of my moms favorite things. After Christmas my dad so kindly drove me to Oregon so I could spend time with my wonderful friend Jessica and her family (thanks again Brenda and Herb!). Jessica and I then went to Seattle (where she is being awesome and such in grad school) and what an amazing city it is! Between the Hogwarts style campus and the best food Ive had I didn’t want to leave! A HUGE thank you to Jessica for taking me all around Seattle!

Since being back at work my lovely tonsils have been giving me grief, so I finally went to see an ENT and well they are coming out! On February 17th my tonsils will be no more! I feel like this is a good time to say, anyone who has had their tonsils out as an adult feel 100% free to give me advice! I am not scared but I would like to make my recovery as smooth as possible!

Well, I have much more to say but I am currently sitting at outside Starbucks freezing so I am going to bid you all goodbye!

Christmas Love and Understanding

Well, here we are. I said I would post more and I haven’t done it. One of my New Years resolutions will be to write at LEAST once a month! So I guess I will start now, because I am a overachiever? No lets not lie here.

Today is Monday Dec 22…for those of you not counting that is 3 days before Christmas. What are my plans you ask? Well I am currently sitting in a beautiful home in Idaho listening to the rain, drinking an ice cold glass of ice wine, with my fluffy dog on my lap. Why are we in Idaho? My dads amazing niece invited us to come stay in her amazingly beautiful home and enjoy the holidays here. This is just one of the love and out pouring of love and invites this year, and for that we are truly grateful.

I have been asked by many people why my dad and I choose not to stay home for the holidays and to be blunt we didn’t want too. Some days it is hard to stay in our house let alone on Christmas morning when we are supposed to be celebrating. I am in no way saying we have nothing to celebrate because that is a total lie, we have so much to be thankful for that it is overwhelming. With that being said it is hard focus on the good with the rain cloud hanging out over our heads. We are doing our bests to put a smile on and say that it will be okay and everything is fine and sometimes it is completely fine but other days it is not fine at all in anyway.

I have said it a few times and I am going to stay it again, I am so blessed and incredibly grateful for all the love and kindness that has been outpouring for the last 7 months. Which brings me to say it has been 7 months? Really, a whole 7 months? That feels so weird to type. Some days it feels like no time has passed since I gained my angel and others it feels like the hole has just gotten bigger and bigger with every day. I have been told 100 times “wow you are doing so well” “you handle your mom passing so well” “Kim you really have gotten over your moms death well” let me just say this once for all:

” I cannot stop grieving just because you believe it is time for me to move on

I cannot stop hurting just because you do not understand the piecing pain in my heart

I cannot stop my tears from flowing just because they make you uncomfortable.

My heart is not suddenly mended just because you believe that I have grieved long enough.

I wil grieve the loss of my loved one for the rest of my life….just so you know. ”

—John Pete

Now I know some of you will read that and have many opinions on it which for the record is just fine 🙂 but please remember that when someone loses ANYONE in their life the pain doesn’t go away. Yes some days are so much better than others but other days it feels like you have been hit with a freight train multiple times. Some days all I want is to be surrounded by my loved ones and other days I honestly don’t want anything to do with anyone. The days I may come across like I could care less about your life which is never the way I want to come across, and if I have ever made anyone feel that way my sincerest apologizes.

I want to take a small moment to wish all of my friends and family a beautiful Holiday season, and ask a favor. Please put aside some of the angry and hurt feels to send a text, make a call and tell your friend or family member you love them or that you are thinking about them. It may seem like a small gesture but it will mean the world to them.

 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from my amazing daddy and I!

 

With Love,

Kimberly

 

 

 

 

Thank you.

Wow. I cannot believe how long it has been since I have posted on a blog. I would like to say that there has been a good reason for me not to post but that would be a lie. I didn’t want to log on here and read the previous blog posts like a normally do before posting a new post, I didn’t want to read about the day my mom died and relive it again. I relive it everyday. I finally got the courage today 4 months and 2 days after her death to log back on, so here we are, I don’t know what I am going to type about or what to say.

I guess I will start off by saying thank you. Thank you to my family who has been so wonderful to my dad and I. Especially my aunt cookies boyfriend John, who has the biggest heart I have ever seen. He loved my mother and made her laugh even in those last days at the hospital when she felt so awful. He is now great friends with my dad, they go out to dinner together, chat on the phone at night, and he even cuts my dads hair. John also lost his late wife to cancer, he knows the pain, loneliness, heartache and that bad days are going to happen. I am thankful for his presence in our lives. I am also so VERY thankful for my Aunt Cookie, she has made sure that I know how much my mom loves me, that its okay to be sad and to miss her, she reads between the lines of my Facebook posts and text messages, she has made herself available for me to talk to about anything and everything, and she was there when my mom passed, she knows exactly what happened which gives me comfort. Thank you auntie for telling me when to hold my head high and be the bigger person and when I’ve messed up, thank you for loving me like one of your own.

I would also like to say thank you to my Aunt Kathi and to be honest I don’t know where to start. I am at a loss for words, which as some of you know is rare. I talk to my Aunt Kathi everyday, multiple times a day, she always has something positive to say, something to make me giggle, and a ton of love. She talks with me about the shows we both watch, how our phones are acting up, the bad or good day Ive had a work, the traffic, and just about anything else. She listens when I am upset and when I need a shoulder to cry on or motivation to get my butt to the gym. She makes me feel so special and so loved. I would be lost without her in my life.

I think here would be a good spot to thank my friends. They have ALL put up with A LOT from me these past months, my emotions are on a roller coster and they have tried their very best to keep me grounded. Sometimes its with a lot of tough love, a shoulder to cry on, a big hug to remind me I am not alone, a suggestion or dinner or a funny movie, going to Yosemite, taking yoga with me, laughing so hard it hurts to breathe, taking me to Disneyland and being a complete weirdo with me, or just telling me to have a good day. I may be biased here but I think I have the best friends on this planet. Thank you all for putting up with me and for being simply amazing.

Oh what would this post be without some love for my wonderful dad. We have had our share of EVERYTHING these last couple months. We have fought, hugged, laughed, and cried, but at the end of the day we know how much we mean to each other. Not having my mom around has been a learning curve for us and a big one at that, I had NO idea how much she did for us that woman was a miracle worker!! You have such a strong heart and love me so much it hurts, I don’t know what I would do without you. Thank you dad for dealing with my emotional roller coaster, and for loving me when a get mad at you for no reason at all. I have not said how much I appreciate you enough these past months and that is going to change. I love you daddy, you will always be my hero.

I am not sure how that post became one big thank you letter but it did and I am glad it did. My dad and I are lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people, so thank you all!

Finals, Graduation, and Mother’s Day

Again, I have to apologize for not updating this darn thing! As much as I am on the computer I should have found some time to update this! Well I am here now so lets go!

I mentioned in my last post I applied for the Speech Language Pathologist Assistant program at Sac State, well apparently God has another path for me since I did not get in. It was a hard blow that happened to come on Mother’s Day of all days.

Speaking of Mother’s Day, I want to first say THANK YOU to all who called, sent a text, sent a FB message, and sent us warm thoughts. Dad and I got up really early (6am..) and went to go see mom, it was the first time since her service we had been back, and in Gail McCarver fashion we brought her red roses. Once we were at her site it became real, her name was on a little marker, my mothers name was on a gravesite. I didn’t know what to feel or how to feel except to read it 100 times. Then I had a little reminder pop into my head, this is only where her shell is, her beautiful soul is with the LORD and she is dancing on the streets of gold. Back to the roses, after we unwrapped them and attempted to get them to stand up in the little vase thing they were WAY too long, but thankfully my friend Ian had left his knife in my purse the day before and I still had it, so we trimmed the roses. That may seem irrelevant to some of you but my mom needed a knife one day and Ian was with us so after that she joked that Ian was always prepared so thanks Ian, good looking out Bud! For the rest of the day Dad and I decided we need OUT of Lodi for the day so we picked up the Ellie Bear and went to Bodega Bay! We had a great day, tried a new place for dinner and went around to the shops! Overall, it was a good day!

This week is finals, groan with me on this one…UGH. Thankfully I am posting this on a Wednesday and my LAST COLLEGE FINAL is tomorrow! Wait what? It seems unreal, this has been my life for 3 years. I have been a Sac State Speech Path student for 3 years, I have had the honor to be taught by some of the most amazing professors in my field, I have made friendships that will last a lifetime, I have learned how to see life from others point of view, but most of all I have learned that whatever you do, do it with passion and love.

This Friday the Speech Path Department is holding a private graduation for just the speechies and audi’s, and reluctantly I agreed to participate. I only say reluctantly because my heart will break not to have mom there smiling that big beautiful proud smile. I have struggled ALL week with this graduation coming up, some days I am excited, some days I don’t want to go and think about calling it all quits, but then I realize how insanely proud I am of my friends who are graduating, they have worked their butts off, their excitement is contagious, some of them I have known since their were bright eyed juniors, and some I met only months ago but feel like I’ve known forever.

So with that, this is my message to the graduating class of 2014 (speech/audiology edition):

After graduation, after the dust settles, after family goes home, and life returns to “normal”, wherever life is taking you whether it be SLPA, Grad school, or trying to find a new path do whatever you are going to do with love and passion. Get excited about life, like when Dr. Blanton talks about larrys, and love in the way Dr. R does about the book drive and helping under privileged children, do the best you can do at your work like David Gleason, do your research on facts know your stuff like Dr. Hagge or Kramer taught us, laugh often even when it may not be appropriate like Dr. Sanders taught us,  but most importantly love what you do. Fall in love with something everyday. A clients excitement in producing /t/, the smile of a child when they get to pick a sticker out of the Sticker Chest, a mother finally seeing progress from all the speech therapy, or the fact the day is done; whatever it may be.  Take these last few years and cherish them.

 

Now, I MUST go study 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Death, New Normals, and Love

Wow, it has been a long time since I have posted anything, and to be honest it is simply because I have not wanted to face the pain, the hurt, and overwhelming missing of my mothers passing. I guess today is as good as any to write this post so here we go, please try and deal with me if this post doesn’t make sense or sounds very ADD infused.

My mother started her new life with the Lord on April 19, 2014 at 6:20am, my father, and love of her life was by her side when she peacefully stopped breathing. The night before she passed my dad, Aunt Cookie and I all decided we would take 4 hour shifts sitting with her so we would be able to administer medication, and just be with her. I had the first shift which was from 10pm-2am, during my time I talked to her, told her “i love you” and “your okay I’m right here” when she would sound like breathing was getting hard. I went to bed around 2:30am and my Aunt Cookie took over for her shift which was 2am-6am but before going to bed I held her hand and kissed her and told her I loved her so much and that she was the most amazing person I know. Those simple words were the last words I said to her, part of me wishes I would have said something else, not sure what it would have been. While my Aunt was on her “shift” by dad woke up with a leg cramp and decided to stay awake around 5:00am, about an hour before his shift was due. He sat with her and rubbed her hand and talked her. At 6am or so my dad said she started the “death rattle” if you have never heard someone experiencing the “death rattle” consider yourself lucky, I have heard it before and that is one noise I can never un-hear. At 6:20am my dad said she quietly stopped breathing, she was called home to be with her Lord. My father called out for my Aunt Cookie and we all came running into the master bedroom and all he could say was “its over, she’s gone” those words will never leave my mind, I didn’t know what to do. I just put my hand on her head and told her “i love you”, I wasn’t sure what else to do. The CNA we had living with us suggested we call hospice and let them know so they can send out a nurse, everything after that was a blur people were in and out of my house for about an hour and a half. When the funeral home arrived my dad and I stepped out into the backyard because that is something we just couldn’t watch we sat at our patio tables so we couldn’t see in the house. My dad lost it then, he looked up into the sky and said “kim there is angel wings in the sky!” I thought “what on earth are you talking about” I looked and there was in fact angel wings..plain and simple. When the men from the funeral home were taking mom out I stood up and blocked my dad from seeing anything and when we looked back up to see the angel wings they were gone. Dad and I both know that those wings was mom telling us that she was in heaven and that she got her wings that morning and that she was okay.

The rest of the week until the funeral was such a blur. I never knew how many things had to be done in order to arrange a funeral, not to mention how many people called, and came by with food, hugs, edible arrangements, and love. We were overwhelmed with how much love, we realized that we aren’t going through this alone. My mothers service was beautiful, heart felt and loving. It was so amazing seeing everyone who came from all over just to pay their respects and love to her. There were many people I did not even know that knew my mother in high school! I was very surprised so many of my friends showed up, some who had never even met my mother, and some who considered her a second mom. The love and support was overwhelming and amazing.

It has been a week and a half since my mothers service, some days it just doesn’t seem real, last tuesday I tried to call my mom like I usually do, but after the phone rang one or 2 times I realized what I was doing and thought “Earth to Kim!! What are you doing? Your mother is dead.” those thoughts cut like a knife. That is when I realized my life isn’t normal, my life had changed drastically and I am not a fan of it.

In other news, I applied for the SLPA program the week my mother passed and I should be finding out this week if I got in. If I said emotions weren’t running high I would be lying. I feel guilty that my life is going on without my mother, I feel like my life should have stopped in its tracks, but it hasn’t the world keeps moving and some days I am just sitting still watching it, confused.

Also, my father and I would like to thank everyone who came to my mothers service, the doctors at UCSF and Jim Hoff (lodi) who took such excellent care of my mother, the two CNA’s we had living with us from Provident Care, the case manager Tina who went above and beyond the call of duty, all of our friends and family for the love and support, the food, the cards, the flowers. I would also like to thank the CSUS Grad Clinicians for sending such a lovely arrangement, it feels so good  to know I have an amazing group of speechies in my corner. If I have left anyone out I apologize, we are so grateful for the outpour of love and support from everyone!

This post was awfully sad and depressing and for that I am sorry but it all had to be said. Next post I will try to have a positive outlook!